Welfareloser's Blog

so one of the docs had a picnic for all the new residents… a family picnic. as in, we took the kids. now, they were expecting kids, but not necessarily *our* kids – if you need evidence of that, look no further than the fact that they served food and owned carpet. so, here follows a list of objects in the hosue misused by the kids in the two hours we were there:

FOOSBALL TABLE: evilgremlin has played some foosball with his opa, and can do a credible job of moving the ball in the right direction most of the time. he managed to play several reasonably civilized games (and by “civilized,” i mean that his trash-talking stopped short of name-calling) with several of the other kids and residents. then one of the residents invited the twits to play… they’re still just barely too short to see over the edge of the foosball table, but really liked the idea of big sticks with grippy handles used to whack balls. this quickly degenerated into an eye-stabbing contest with the ends of the sticks.

CANDLES: yep. there were lit candles all over the house. that is, they were lit until spazmonkey and dramaqueen appointed themselves the candle-blowing-out committee. i considered trying to stop them, then realized that there was nothing else they were going to come up with in the “fun with candles” category that was even remotely acceptable in polite company.

BUSTER: this poor little fat pug couldn’t find a hidey-hole small enough that the skinny-ass 3-year-olds couldn’t squeeze into as well. not that they’re mean to animals… they approach slowly, pet gently, don’t try to pull, sit on, chase, or otherwise fuck with dogs or cats… but they like to stand close. reeeeeeeeal close. and there are two of them. an older fat dog can only take so much of that.

PAPER PLATES: okay, so dramaqueen, aka lunchbox mcloser, actually does understand the appropriate usage of paper plates. he just doesn’t understand that, in any given situation, most of them do not belong to him. he managed to troll a whole line of residents’ plates for the good stuff before positiverolemodel stopped him.

RED-HOT SPICY POTATO CHIPS: probably shouldn’t have been fed to buster. i hereby apologize to anyone who has to smell that little dog for the next 24 hours or so.

INDOOR BASKETBALL GAME: before you get a mental image of three little thugs with full-sized basketballs crashing through someone’s house as i scream at them to stop… no. they’re not bad children, per se, they just have a creative, expanded definition of good. right next to the foosball table on the porch was one of those little free-standing indoor basketball tables, in which you throw soft little balls at a hoop, and they roll back down a net ramp for you to pick them up and throw again. evilgremlin actually got addicted to, if not better at, this game. his brothers, once again too short to really pull it off and too proud to let mommy hold them up to play, decided the best way to be a part of the game was to get UNDER the net ramp, so they could jump around and use their heads to knock the returning basketballs around. since the table did not topple, and nobody’s head actually went through the net, we’re going to chalk that up to good clean fun.

so at 6 pm, we came home and i took a 3-hour nap. apparently, it wore those little turds out, too, because this is still the scene in the twits room as of 7:54 AM…