Welfareloser's Blog

so we’re walking outside, i’m holding a hand on each twit – and i have YET to get both of them, at the same time, to offer me the “correct” hand, eg, the one on my left giving me his right hand and the one on my right giving me his left hand. oooooh, no, that would be boring. two things as certain as death and taxes when i walk with them: 1) they each have to holding at least two of the following four items: a cup of milk, a bag of chips, some incarnation of buzz light year or darth vader, a wad of play-doh, and 2) at least one of them has to insist that i grab the wrong hand, which inevitably ends with someone falling down. so it was dramaqueen’s turn today, and he landed on a knee and scraped it.

EG: wow. i can tell that really hurt.

Me: it’s not even bleeding. remember, this is dramaqueen. he screams like this when you accidentally touch his arm walking past him, too.

EG: no, it REALLY set off my hurt vine.

Me: *at a loss for what to say next* huh?

EG: that REALLY set off my HURT VINE. *taps the left side of his forehead for emphasis*

Me: okay.

EG: my hurt vine is in my head. it’s a part of my brain, and it goes to my eyes, next to the muscles, so when i see something that hurts, it tells my brain that it hurt.

Me: did you see that in your “human body” book?

EG: they forgot it. i think it’s in dad’s human body book, though.

Me: yep.

EG: *pauses long enough to buckle his seatbelt as i get the twits in their carseats. this is enough time to completely change the subject, too* mom? do i suck at singing?

Me: no. *oh, sweet monkey christ, yes he does. he sucks hard. boy is as tone deaf as a harmonica in a hobo’s ass. sometimes good mommies lie.*

EG: darn.

Me: *once again, i’m at a loss for words. see? i told you this was a “going nowhere” conversation.* uuuhhhh…

EG: if i sucked at singing, i could put twunkies to sleep.

Me: twunkies?

EG: yeah.

Me: what are twunkies?

SM: TWUNKIES! YES!

DQ: twunkies?

EG: they’re from outer space.

DQ: ROCKETSHIP!

SM: YES!

Me: are they on tv?

EG: *thoughtful pause* only when you’re not looking.

DQ: MCDONALDS!

SM: YESSSSS!

which ended that conversation… before it went anywhere.