Welfareloser's Blog

so. last monday, i left the twits at home napping with positiverolemodel, and went to pick evilgremlin up from school. as i’m getting out of the van to walk to the front door of the school to wait for the boy, i notice that a car about 10 feet away from mine is not only blaring crappy music out of crappy speakers, it’s blocking the only exit to the parking lot. annoying. there are two women in the front seat, a couple of two-year-olds in the back.

so i get the boy, return to the van. as he’s hopping into the van, i notice one of the women, the driver, has gotten out of the car and is leaning into one of the back windows, yelling “SHET YO MUTHAFUCKIN MOUTH!” damn. okay. maybe she’s having a really bad day; who am i to judge? but she doesn’t look like she’s frazzled and at the end of her rope; she looks and sounds completely bored. the volume of her voice seems to be completely voluntary – the hallmark of a trailer park diva. she’s so impressed by her own attitude that she says everything as loud as she can, because she’s sure you’ll be impressed with her, too!

apparently, she’s not done lighting into the 2-year-old, who as far as i can tell hasn’t moved or made a peep, and is blinking at her owlishly with a look of resignation. “STUPID LITTLE UGLY-ASS BOY! PIECE OF SHIT!” okay. and my ability to be non-judgemental ended right there. she’s still not the least bit upset; this just seems to be business as usual for her. i guess when stupid gets bored, belittling a toddler in the ugliest way you can manage is a good way to pass the time. the woman in the passenger seat looks as bored as her friend.

i realize that i’m giving this woman a pretty good “what the hell is wrong with you?” look just as she looks over and makes eye contact with me. being a trailer park diva, she can’t let that go; any affront to her pride, real or imagined, must be met head-on! her honor is at stake!

just as EG was shutting the van door behind himself, she looks at me, her eyes narrow, one hand goes to her hip, and she leans toward me and asks, “You got somethin to say?”

apparently, i did, because my mouth opened, and what came out was, “i think that boy’s just fine; the only ugly-ass thing i see here is your mouth.” yep. i said that out loud.

this is the scene in the movie where the needle scratched across the record! as i’m thinking ooooooh, yep, i really did say that out loud, didn’t i?, she takes a step toward me, both hands on her hips, head wagging like it’s on a spring, and her equally large friend gets out of the car and takes the same stance. “WHAT did you just say to me?”

apparently, there was no point in trying to lie now, because what i said next was “i’m pretty sure i just told you to shut your ugly-ass mouth!” yep. out loud and everything. and with that, i was pretty sure that my stupid pregnant ass was going to get kicked … on the grade school playground. ooooooooh, not good.

however, it seems that, if you’re five foot one, skinny, and massively pregnant, and yet you’re completely comfortable lipping off to two huge angry trailer park divas, there’s a reasonable chance that you have a firearm hidden somewhere on your person, because these two, after looking at me for a long moment, just sucked their teeth, said “whatEVA!” and drove off, squealing their tires and cranking their music even louder.

by all rights, i should have gotten my ass kicked. i had it coming. but as i’ve said before, god loves happy retards, and sometimes he tosses a get-out-of-jail-free card your way!

i told nodamnsense about it on the phone later, and after a long moment of uncomfortable silence, he finally said, “tartlette, will you PLEASE just buy yourself a pepper-spray for your keychain?” not a bad idea, except that i think that’s kind like having a firearm in the house; it’s probably 30 times more likely to be used against a member of your household than against an attacker. and the last thing i need is my future navy seals running training drills with each other and learning how to fight through a cloud of pepper spray. i mean, think about it… once they outweigh me (you know, by age 11 or so,) i’m going to need some means of keeping their butts in line; it would hardly be prudent to allow them to rob that avenue of discipline of its effectiveness. can’t you see it now? “GO AHEAD AND SPRAY SOME MORE, MOM! ONLY MAKES ME MEANER!” yep.