Welfareloser's Blog

okay, after a week of my blog sitting around with its thumb up its ass, not allowing me to publish any new posts, i finally worked out all the glitches in the transfer from “the old blogger” to “the new and improved blogger brought to you by google resistance is futile you will be assimilated.” also, i’ve fixed the issue with leaving comments… for a while, comments left were not showing up on the blog. all the old ones are now published, and any new comments will now show up immediately. so leave a comment already, dammit! if i start feeling like i’m writing for an audience of 0, i’m just going to get bitter and verbally abusive.

after months of listening to me whine about how sudden and quick labor would surely be, how i’d be lucky to make it to the hospital at all, let alone get some good drugs – i’ve never been dilated for more than a week, and i’ve never been in labor for even 4 hours – this little shit has decided to continue hanging on to my uterus like a cat on a screen door, apparently feeling quite entitled to his 1/2-lb-per week of weight gain. we’re now at two weeks and counting of head in pelvis, hips completely non-functional, dilated and contracting, and making no goddamned progress whatsoever. yay, inertia! change is bad!

so, two weeks of sitting on my ass at home in fear of having an emergency situation in public coincided with the boys’ fifth consecutive day of no school, so i said fuck it and took them to chuck e cheese (my other option being to watch them dump out every box of toys in the house to alleviate their boredom for the third day in a row.) i figured, if nothing else, the potential for chaos by deciding to punch his way out while i was in public, without adult support of any kind, and an hour from home, might be enough to entice the little shit to finally make his appearance. (and if not, NoDamnSense suggested shoving pizza and tokens up my woo to really entice him out. laugh if you will, but the man has an MD and a PhD, so his thoughts on the matter are… well, still ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag, but probably not dangerous.)

this was our second trip to chuck e cheese, and i must say, i really like that place. it’s secure, it’s clean, i like the pizza, the kids are entertained and worn out, and by god, it’s even cheap. for $42, all four of us got pizza, soda, a popsicle, 200 tokens, and won enough tickets (damn near 500, thanks to my skeeball wizardry and DramaQueen’s newfound skill at a coin-tossing game that he hogged for a good hour… honestly, he was starting to remind me of a little old lady bent over a slot machine in vegas) to go home with three pirate eye patches, two rubber ladybugs, two plastic stencils, some candy, and some wierd little toy that shoots discs that bounce off the walls, don’t put out eyes, and make the twits laugh.

holy shit; lumbering around a playground for three hours with 50 extra pounds on you (i had hit 159 as of last week’s appointment, yay!) is no small matter. i can barely move today. and i’d like to point out that, contrary to popular belief, no amount of movin and shakin will make a fetus fall out or kickstart labor in any way whatsoever. in addition to your basic running around playing, i played “spider stomp” at chuck e cheese til i broke a sweat and damn near passed out (it’s basically dance dance revolution, except with crunchy-squishy noises instead of music), and i played several rounds of a jurassic park game with EG that involved shooting dinosaurs as the chair we sat on bounced and tipped and shook and vibrated over the game terrain – and trogdor ain’t budged one damn bit.

the highlight of the trip for spazmonkey was plugging a token into a photo booth; after snapping his mugshot, it turned it into a “sketch” and printed it out. the boy was so elated he had to run around and show the portrait to everyone in the restaurant, because it constituted actual physical proof that he did, in fact, have super powers. so, in closing, i leave you with:

“LOOK EVEEBODY! IT’S ME SPIDERMAAAAAAAN!”