Welfareloser's Blog

felix heiko larson, born 2:50 PM february 1st. here’s the fun part… 9 lbs, 9 oz, 21 inches. and no, i didn’t gain too much weight, i wasn’t even close to diabetic… he’s just that freakin big.

TLC’s A Baby Story, episode #207: “Trogdor Hatches”

feb 1st, noon: prm and i lay down for a nap. i feel a contraction that kinda hurts a little more than the other 2347 i’ve had over the last month.

1:00pm: after being awakened every 15 minutes by a contraction that makes me think, hmmm, maybe this is it, i suddenly realize that the last interval was not 15 min, but 7.

1:20pm: i can barely talk. i tell prm to call jokerjitsu and get our shit together because it’s time to go.

1:35pm: jokerjitsu arrives to babysit the twits.

1:50pm: we get to the hospital. contractions are now 3-5 minutes apart. i feel some shit peeking out and am not entirely convinced that i can walk across the parking lot. trying to remember why i thought this was a good idea.

2:00pm: get checked into a room, nurse checks my cervix, and it is 4-1/2 cm dilated. perfect! plenty of time for an epidural. i feel guilty about the second thoughts.

2:10 pm: nurse checks my cervix again. it’s 9 cm. contractions are now less than 3 minutes apart. she cancels the call to anesthesiology and tells me to get ready to push. i don’t think i speak another actual english word for an hour.

2:50 pm: there he is!

that’s the nice version. here’s the really fun 30 minutes or so that i left out…

the doc said that, as the head crowned, and then as it moved farther and farther down, it just kept getting bigger and bigger, and by the time the full size of his keg head was apparent, she was really damned impressed that he fit at all. when she found out the weight, she said, “jesus mary and joseph, woman, that’s your limit. don’t try to have any bigger than that.” (she’s from a family of 13 and just laughs when i say i’m done. she loves telling me about how 3 of her brothers each had 4 boys before having a girl at #5. yep. i love that story. she’s mostly fucking with me, though, since she stopped at 4 herself.)

labor and delivery was absolutely horrific. no anesthesia with the twins sucked, but i was still able to put together coherent “fuck”- and “shit”-laden sentences. this time, i was just screaming in terror. i was so panicked that i had to have an oxygen mask. the nurses did a pretty good job of keeping me calm enough to not pass out. he was just so damned BIG, and that was the most god-awful feeling. once you get the head out, the rest is supposed to just slip out…yeah. not these shoulders and this chest. so the fun of pushing and screaming in terror just kept going for a good 15 minutes! i think i probably convinced the shell-shocked med student in attendance that ob/gyn was not for her. but the aftermath? you know the feeling of relief after you take a huge shit? multiply by 1000x and add in angels singing. wow. amazingly, i needed no stitches, and i honestly don’t feel bad at all. as soon as he was out, life was good. a little scraped up, and i’ve taken a little ibuprofen, and in the mirror this morning, i saw something that kind of approximated my actual body. damn, it’s nice to have him out!