come on, now… if that title didn’t make you hear the imperial march in your head, you’re just out of your league around here. you’re not cool. go home before you embarrass yourself further.
so the twits are into the lego star wars. have i mentioned the lego star wars are fantastically expensive? yeah. you just try to get a lego boba fett for under $20. i dare you. (and if you manage that, you obviously have too much time and money on your hands… so, in that case, just so you know, the twits also have a standing request for a lego jar jar binks and a lego greedo. and the lego cantina band. i actually don’t know if that’s ever been manufactured. but they totally want one. and by “they,” i mean “i.”)
so it takes some restraint to watch them rip their little cash-holes down to their 10 different anatomical parts (didn’t know lego people were made from 10 different parts? then you weren’t even trying.) but one of their favorite things to do with their lego people – behind burying them in playdoh, but ahead of stuffing them up their noses – is to make frankensteins out of them. (i made a good-faith effort to get them to call them “chimeras.” but they prefer “frankensteins.” there will be no elevating of the discourse in the loser household, woman; now shut up and get me a beer!)
the fun part is that they give them names, and then describe their super-powers.
some are pretty straightforward head substitutions, like “yoda-grievous” and “harry shooter”:
or, for slightly more fun, a compound head-and-headgear substitution, like super spider trooper and darth fortuna trooper:
(and, seriously, folks… if you either did not recognize the bump’n'horn headgear as belonging to jabba the hutt’s lackey from episode vi, or did not know that the name of said lackey was bib fortuna… you suck. don’t make me tell you again.)
then there’s this substitution which, though simple, is far from straightforward:
this is super garbage shooter head. his super power is shooting garbage. space garbage. with lasers! and he’s ugly. super-ugly.
i never got a good explanation for this one… it’s still r2d2. maybe he’s dressed up for a party. like the 1978 star wars christmas special! (okay, you are forgiven if you didn’t catch that reference… it’s a bit obscure. score yourself a mess of extra points if you already know that it’s the most horrifically awful 78 minutes ever aired on television, the humor of which was compounded by the astronomical production costs. and the amount of drugs carrie fisher did before singing christmas carols with the wookies.)
this is evil unicycle jedi man. i can’t get them to say chimera, but i can get them to say unicycle. score one for the forces of civilized language!
this is grievous fish man. he’s not super. just scaly. like a fish. only evil.
this is super jellyfish man. he stings you. with his head! note the extendo-torso. the jellyfish is from a lego spongebob set. if you already recognized the lego jellyfish because you own some yourself, go to your coolness scorecard… and just tear it up. you lose. permanently. star wars is totally sweet. spongebob is dorky. even my seven-year-old knows this.
both of these lovely ladies are mrs. c3p0. which probably makes them lesbians. and, unlike mary cheney, politically progressive ones!
this is super blank head. his head is full of magic, and he can fly without a cape. also note the hook for a hand. i don’t know why yet, but i’m sure its importance will be made clear at some poetically appropriate juncture:
i will now take congratulations for my sheer awesomeness… nobody’s ever made a superman lego figurine. so i bought some lego-people blanks, stuck tiny little custom-fit printouts of superman’s shirt on them, painted red boots on blue legs, coated the whole thing in microgloss, and then topped them off with generic yellow heads and black man-hair helmets, with red capes my mom cut out. i totally dominated some legos.
and finally, we have evil spider woman. in her hand is a spiderman web-shooting block, and she’s flying on a darth vader tie fighter keychain. i paid $10 for that stupid keychain – not because it’s rare and i had to get it from an ebay toy scalper, but because that’s what the evil lego corporation thinks its fair to charge for .173 oz of plastic. and because i am a sucker for lego star wars, commonly known as a “consumerist sheep,” or a “tool,” for short. i’m also sexist, since i’m looking at her big japanime eyes and hogwarts school uniform torso, and all i can think is, whoa, wouldn’t that make for some wierd porn.
