okay. i figure i’d better do this before you REALLY don’t care anymore. so, first we were in kentucky with nodamnsense’s family for a week. nodamnsense wasn’t actually there, since he was on call for christmas weekend. yep, even dermatologists have to take call sometimes because, apparently, there really is such a thing as a dermatological emergency. itchy balls can’t always wait until monday morning. so, while it might sound silly to go visit my best friend’s family when my best friend isn’t even there, you have to realize that his family is every bit as awesome as he is. also, they love me like one of their own. okay. really, the best reason to go while he’s not there is so i can rifle through his comic books and star wars toys when he’s not looking.
first, here’s one of the most in-love couples i’ve ever seen, nodamnsense’s sister and brother-in-law, smitingthewicked and hissingninja:
seriously, aren’t they like kittens and rainbows, i-just-threw-up-a-little-in-my-mouth cute? note the knee brace on hissingninja – oh how the mighty have fallen. he had a bit of a motorcycle incident last summer, an incident STW refers to as “that time he kicked his own ass.” and if you weren’t convinced of her sense of humor already, you should note that she transcribed all the word salad that came out of his mouth while he was still in the hospital on the fun drugs, just so she’d have plenty to make fun of him for later when he was more with it. i’ll refrain from changing his name to something like “gimpingninja.” i figure trogdor crawling around trying to swipe his cane out from under him at every opportunity was more than enough in the making-fun-of-the-cripple family fun.
one of the toys cutebutevil got for christmas was a toddler-size barbie doll. proving that he has junk and knows how to think with it in a totally heterosexual way, trogdor waddled straight over to the blonde slut, ripped down her bodice, grabbed a hard plastic boobie in each hand, took her ass down, and drooled all over her face. yep… he’s as ready for prom night as any red-blooded american male!
trogdor gets a sink bath from ra-ra and pa-pa:
trogdor sits around looking like his pa-pa:
trogdor sits around looking like his opa:
for those of you who are confused, we just made the transition from nodamnsense’s family to my family. the guy who looks weathered and wise, like he has stories to tell? that’s pa-pa, nodamnsense’s father. the guy who looks unhinged and goofy, like he has bad jokes to tell? that’s my dad, opa. unfortunately for trogdor… he’s doing a better a job of looking like his opa.
after two years of looking at the ads inside the metroid prime game case for metroid fusion and metroid zero mission, and wondering sadly why we don’t own them… dramaqueen finally owns metroid fusion and metroid zero mission. thanks, ebay! that $30 for video games that have been out of production for ten years was totally worth the slack-jawed wonder of a little boy in footie pajamas under the christmas tree.
he spent five minutes playing it, and then the next 4 hours pretending to be samus aran, lighting up his brothers’ asses with their gifts from nodamnsense and smallandquiet, nerf weaponry, complete with dorky foam outfits, modeled here by evilgremlin:
just like i do every year… everybody else is playing with toys. i’m reading a new book. nerd on!
the hoberman sphere. it’s like a slinky: useless, yet endlessly fascinating.
my dad’s sister has 4 boys. i now relate to her more than ever before. her four boys are all slightly older than me, and at least a foot taller. seriously. the shortest is 6’2. the tallest is 6’7. despite this, everybody swears we are actually genetically related.
one of my cousins and his wife have four kids – all girls. i keep offering to trade, but we haven’t quite worked out the terms of the deal yet. anyway, thanks to them, we now know what i look like holding a baby girl:
now, the three older boys have all seen girls here and there, but it was a new thing for trogdor, who was fascinated:
so, every year one of my cousins, who lives near a chocolate factory, gives each of us a 3-lb box of chocolates. 3 lbs is a big damned box of chocolates. at least, i thought it was, until i opened mine for the 8 kids that were tearing around the tree. have you ever watched the discovery channel, and seen footage of a swarm of ants crawling over a dead bird, and there’s a cloud of black in the shape of a dead bird for about 3.7 seconds, and then the cloud dissipates, and all that’s left are the shiny bones? that’s pretty much what happened to the box of chocolates.
then it was new years eve. our friends talkytalky and pillpusher and their son talkyjunior came over. talkytalky gets his name from his superpower, which is: hand him a beer. turn on the tv to any random station. hit the mute button. he will then proceed to fill the void with extemporaneous nonsense, pulling dialogue directly out of his ass to put in the mouths of the silent tv characters. he can do this on any station, any time, for HOURS, and it’s consistently the funniest shit you’ve heard all day. period. after years of practice, positiverolemodel and i can each do it to a certain extent, but our talents are truly no more than a sad little shadow of talkytalky’s comedic majesty.
so. here’s positiverolemodel with talkytalky in my winter cloche hat, spazmonkey’s nerf eyewear, and opa’s summer sausage:
don’t ask why PRM is menacing the sausage with the can opener. you don’t want to go there. it’s like 2 girls 1 cup… once you go there, you can never go back.
my sister evilbigmouth, her husband (crap, have i given him a name yet? i haven’t, have i? i should really get around to that. suggestions welcome!), my husband, and evilgremlin, beating the poop out of each other on wii boxing:
talkyjunior, pillpusher and the twits keeping it real with the star wars toys that my mom refused to buy me when i was a kid, but then spent 10x the money on ebay for them for her grandchildren, not that i’m bitter:
because hey, the absence of that 2-foot-tall AT-AT is what truly built my character, allowing me to be the well-adjusted adult i am today.
then the kids went to bed, and we drank.
the end!
