i’ve never had much use for other girls. mostly because they’re not funny, but also because the things they think are fun actually suck. seriously, if all you’re going to do is giggle at the shit the boys say (they’re called “jokes.” you could consider trying to make one sometime, you retarded chickenhead ho!) and sit on your ass staring at the wall, occasionally “contributing” to the conversation with an “i don’t know,” an “i guess so,” or the occasional “yeah,” fuck off. seriously. go be a vagenius somewhere else, and don’t waste my time.
all through grade school, high school, undergrad, and worst of all, motherhood, i’ve been surrounded by a wasteland of vapid, annoying females, with the occasional shining star that i could call a friend.
now, suddenly, i’m surrounded by cool women! it took me 30 years, but i found them! they’re all in iowa, i swear! the other mommies i run into at schools, parks, etc… instead of alternately bitching about their husbands and bragging about their kids, they talk about music, books, movies… the fun things they did the previous weekend… hell, they even crack jokes and use profanity. and the moms in our neighborhood – also awesome. i will even hang out with them after the kids are in bed, which is not something i’ve ever felt like doing before. prm’s female coworkers – awesome. his male coworkers’ significant others – awesome.
and now, we have come to my point (and it only took me three paragraphs!) prm has a certain coworker, texasroadkill, who has a girlfriend that works at the same hospital, in a different specialty. her name is myeviltwin, for reasons that will soon be obvious. the first time i met her, we had gathered at a hotel bar that had a view of the hotel pool.
MET: i’m going to go offer to buy those bitches some beers or something so they’ll take their bikini tops off for us.
me: just throw them some mardi gras beads. it’s cheaper.
MET: awesome.
as you might imagine, we hit it off nicely from there. the funny thing is, not only are we really similar in our general attitudes toward life, positiverolemodel and texasroadkill are also similar – quiet, smart, funny. but they are most similar in how they handle their significant others in public. for example, at this hotel bar, i wound up sitting on one side of prm, and myeviltwin sat on the other side. or something. actually, i think i was next to myeviltwin. i barely remember. this is because the ice cream drinks at this freakin bar were kryptonite. which brings me to my next point – my impulse control is low anyway, and the filter between my brain and my mouth is woefully inadequate for the massive job it needs to perform. throw a bit of alcohol into the mix, and it gets pretty damned funny. throw in a lot of alcohol, and all hell breaks loose. from my mouth. prm spends a lot of time politely asking me to keep my voice down, occasionally updating me as to how many people are staring at us now, and sometimes gently grabbing me by the shoulders to sit me back down. also, he has a blanket policy of refusing to give me $20 bills at a strip club. i call this a “common-sense safety precaution.” no, wait; that’s what he calls it. i call it “no goddamned fun.” but hey, toMAYto, toMAHto; whatever!
myeviltwin, not surprisingly, suffers from the same problem. alcohol doesn’t make her “giggly,” or “tired,” or “slutty.” it makes her freakin hilarious. unhinged, but hilariously so. and loud! so as we sat in this bar, and all the girls got absolutely shitfaced off the freakishly strong ice cream drinks, i noticed that prm was hardly even freaking out over my obnoxious loudmouth at all… because he was too busy freaking out over myeviltwin’s obnoxious loundmouth! at one point, i had to high-five her and thank her for taking the heat off me.
so. all that was backstory to this: last weekend, the residents’ council paid for a huge party at a bar for all the residents in all specialties. drinks were free, it was well-attended, and we had an awesome time. prm was hanging out with his coworkers the next week over lunch, and someone started telling a story about myeviltwin at that party. apparently, someone tried to hit on met. when he mentioned which specialty he was in – radiology, same as prm and trk – she interrupted him with, “i know everbody in radiology. you’re not a radiologist. you’re just a douchebag.”
when it was trk’s turn to either confirm or deny this story, he just shrugged and said, “oh. yeah, she did tell me that. i thought she was making it up, though.”
prm laughed, and told trk that he was probably in a unique position to really feel his pain. he was probably mostly just relieved that the story wasn’t about me, though.
