how do we know he thinks these things are not just annoying, but also specifically MY fault? by the way he howls and bites me when they happen, that’s how!
1. he had to waste a good 15 minutes of his life breaking that stupid cabinet lock on the door under the sink. seriously. that’s like a major percentage of his life, people.
2. even after being a big enough person to give the shit at least a dozen chances, drywall tastes like ass.
3. me screaming after he bites me hurts his ears. (guilty!)
4. legos are too expensive to be appetizers.
5. those heavy wooden square balls won’t bounce, no matter how hard he throws them or how loudly he screeches at them.
6. i won’t teach them how to bounce no matter how many times he grabs my hand, puts a square ball in it, closes my fingers around it, and then smacks at my hand, brow knitted and hooting angrily. (i will go ahead and gracefully accept the blame for this one. i am willfully refusing to homeschool his goddamned wooden blocks for him.)
7. the man in the white apron at the grocery store cuts him off after two samples of pizza.
8. magnets don’t stick to the pantry door.
9. he has carpet burn on his jumbly bits. (he’s actually right on this one, too. i am a neglectful mommy for not holding him down with more force during diaper changes.)
