ESPECIALLY my female friends. in fact all 3 or so of my female friends have one thing in common: they’re crazier than i am. for example, we went to a mexican restaurant around the corner with MyEvilTwin and TexasRoadKill last night. in the course of a story i was telling (the kind that had PositiveRoleModel telling me that i could be just as funny at a lower volume) i gave a description of a side-bar banner ad for a cartoon porn site. this may not be the exact wording, but i believe i called it “a 5-second repeating loop of movie of a big-titted ho bouncing and taking it in the pooper.” i demonstrated by slapping one of my hands against the other fist.
this earned me a horrified dirty look from a woman at the next table. she had apparently gotten bored with alternately scolding her 18-month-old every time he touched his food with his hands or raised his voice above a whisper, and giving me disapproving looks as i helped my 18-month-old shovel beans and rice in his mouth with my own bare hands, hung him upside down and threatened to “shake him stoopid” while he squealed, and gave him all the lime wedges out of our margaritas for him to eat, squeeze, or tear to shreds as he pleased.
so she stepped it up from “disapproving” to “trying to meet my eye so she could angrily stare me down” after listening in and failing to find the humor. i just gave her a super-sweet smile back and then ignored her, both because i am a pacifist (that’s pronounced “pussy”), and because i was happy to see her kid quietly spit some of his food out onto her plate while she was momentarily distracted from riding his ass.
(in the end, i feel sorry for her, because we went on to enjoy an evening of flavor-blasted ice cream at Dane’s Dairy, followed by beers and strings on the porch with RadHippie, while she no doubt finished off her day by bitching about her job and not having sex with her husband. i win!)
i leaned over to point out the angry look to MyEvilTwin, but she was already busily trying to burn a hole in the woman’s skull with her own pissed-off look. PositiveRoleModel missed the subtleties of the exchange of looks between the three of us, and asked MET what she was doing. her response was something like “hoping that bitch will decide she has to say something to us so i can BEAT. HER. ASS.” the fun part is that i’m pretty sure MET wasn’t quite kidding!
on the phone with JokerJitsu later that night, i described MET as “kinda like MeJane, only possibly crazier.” JokerJitsu said he’d have to see it to believe it. MeJane is married to one of PRM’s MD/PhD classmates, XBoxNinja. MeJane is an adorable little woman who might break 100lbs soaking wet. she has sent me pictures of her hamsters in her mouth, quit jobs with streams of profanity, and loudly proclaimed in a restaurant that, since it was next door to an abortion clinic, she’d play it safe and eat vegetarian that night. definitely scores higher on the “crazy shit to say really loud in a restaurant” scale than mine!
XBN and MJ were crazy enough to let PRM exercise his reverendship and marry them… MET and TRK are not only crazy enough to consider allowing him to do it for them, too, but also to consider (at least after a couple of margaritas!) letting me make their cakes. the bride’s cake will obviously be made of twinkies and dingdongs, because that’s how we roll. apparently, for the groom’s cake, TRK wants the armadillo cake – red velvet cake, gray icing, shaped like everyone’s favorite speedbump. of course, i plan to pimp it out a bit… it’s going to have a big black tire-track over its back, and the skull is going to be busted open, exposing a jello-mold brain inside the cake-head. with carrion-eating peeps pecking at it. seriously. it’s such a brilliantly conceived piece of performance art that it’s almost a shame they’ll probably have the sense to get a real cake. but hey, i think the rules are, if i get MET to agree to it a few more times, i think it becomes legally binding. a “21-beer contract,” we’ll call it!
speaking of crazy-ass homies, there may be a long break from the posting soon… our closest friends are still relatively close, all about 4 hours away. XBoxNinja and MeJane (northern illinois), and SlutMonkey (minnesota) are all coming for the 4th of July weekend. JokerJitsu (central illinois) is unfortunately getting screwed by the man eight ways from judgement day, and won’t be able to make it. which is probably the only reason why i’m fairly certain i’ll eventually heal up and get back to the blogging… with JokerJitsu, that would be ALL of the beloved med school homies together again, and i’m pretty sure that complete reunion of the Axis of Unhingedness would have caused tears in the fabric of space and time, and possibly some spontaneous human combustion.
then again, if we get the old homies together with the new homies, that may happen anyway. that, and strippers. definitely strippers.
