Welfareloser's Blog

so the county fair is this week. i’m preparing submissions for the “ugly cake” contest and the pie contest. now, you’d think i’d excel at the ugly cake thing, but it has to be appropriate for a wholesome family audience, which i’m assuming rules out anything involving poop, puke, death or nazis, thus ruling out 90% of my awesome ideas (and 50% of IAlsoHaveADream’s ideas, his contributions to the planning meeting being “a swastika” and “steve buscemi.” the other 50% of his bright ideas get ruled out by my limited artistic skills.)

so i finally came up with something that was wholesome, doable, AND ugly: i’m going to bake a chocolate cake, cover it in white icing, put it into a gallon ziploc bag, and then throw it around the room a few times. then tape a silly straw to the bag, and write “insert straw here” next to a dotted-line circle on the bag.

anyway. fun contest idea, and i’ll be interested to see what the other submissions look like (and if any of them look like a chocolate log cake covered in creamed corn and peanuts, i’m going to be pissed that i misunderstood the “use your discretion in decorating” rule.)

the pie contest is more old-school: bake the most delicious AND visually appealing fruit pie. no meat, no purchased crusts, no custards, no refrigeration, no single-crusts. so, i figured something novel might have a better chance of winning, and missouri peaches are in and AWESOME, so here’s my entry in the “peach” category:

crust:
2 cups flour
6 Tbsp butter
4 Tbsp almond butter
1 tsp salt

filling:
5 cups sliced peaches
1 tsp grated fresh ginger
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/8 tsp salt
1/2 cup sugar
3 Tbsp quick-cook tapioca

i think that’s everything i put in it. i actually remembered to write it down as i decided what and how much to use, but then promptly lost the recipe card. invented it this morning, and made a test pie… i wanted to make sure the crust would work, that i got the right amount of filling, that i had the right cooking time and amount of filling for a 9-inch disposable pie pan, that i liked the proportion of ginger, and that the sliced almonds i put on the top crust wouldn’t burn or fall off.

and this is one damn fine pie. i processed enough peaches to make two more, so i’ll make another just like it on thursday morning, which will give it just enough time to cool and still be super-awesome at the 1 PM pie check-in. and if my ginger-almond peach pie wins, i’ll revel in my status as a good little housewife and treat myself to a sexy new apron.

so who knew that so many other people think an ueber-feminine june cleaver apron is dead sexy? googling “sexy apron” yields more results than i expected… and many of them aren’t crotchless french maid costumes!

and if it doesn’t take first place, there may be a fifth of cheap tequila, a stack of cream pies, and googling for judges’ addresses in my future. because i have nothing else, i tell you! i’m just a housewife! if i can’t bake a blue-ribbon peach pie, what more is left for me?!?!?!?

then again, my alternate if-i-lose plan could be consoling myself with a sexy little new apron. and the fifth of tequila. i can see that heading in exactly the right direction.

okay, now that we’ve tasted it… i think all i have to do is cut the salt in the crust in half, and add one more tablespoon of tapioca. even PRM, who is mortally offended by even the slightest overuse of ginger, declared it “kind of awesome.” the twins weren’t interested until i described a “pie” as “two cookies with fruit in the middle like a sandwich. with lots of sugar.” and MB stood plastered motionlessly against the counter directly underneath it, drooling pathetically, but otherwise as stonily still as a huntin dawg with his nose on a rabbit. one mistake, and it was all his. when it cooled enough to feed him a piece… yeah. lets just say no time was wasted on playing with the food.

oh, also? the twins will be entering the county fair’s KFC-sponsored “chicken-throwing contest.” i don’t see them winning, since the children’s division is ages 4-11… but i definitely see them getting the spirit award.

so after we cross that line, i’m thinking RadHippie’s chickens best be staying in their coop when the twins are out playing.