so there was a perfectly good swinging chair thingy sitting in a neighbor’s front yard with a “free” sign on it. “free” signs are one of the most awesome inventions of 20th century america, right behind the cotton gin and wii lightsabers. you can use it to make stuff you don’t want disappear, or to acquire new stuff, with no more effort than it takes to drag the item in question a few feet to your curb, or from a curb to your car. it’s how lady vagimort got her fabulous ride, it’s how we’ve gotten rid of everything from furniture to a 10-foot stack of minnow-catching buckets, and it’s how my kids got a faded yet sturdy chair swing that any three out of their four narrow asses can occupy at any given time:
they managed to get into it without killing themselves, which was good: SWING MOVIE 1. then they started swinging in it: SWING MOVIE 2. this was also good. then the twits stepped off to practice some kickboxing moves. and i discovered that MonkeyBeef had quite suddenly gone from “i am amused yet mildly befuddled as someone else somehow gets the swing i’m sitting in to move, almost as if by magic” to “this is freakin sweeeet; i wonder if i can get it going hard enough to do a 360 and wrap this mother around the bar”: SWING MOVIE 3.
so i said, “fine, you little turd. guess who gets to wear the tard helmet until further notice?”
took him a bit of time to decide, but check out the progression of his facial expressions. turns out he really, really hates the tard helmet. 
i’m pretty sure he was prepared to bang head on the floor til the damned thing split like a coconut, had he not managed to stretch the chinstrap enough to slip out of it.
