now that i’m finally getting around to telling this story from IAlsoHaveADream’s birthday party, i realize that there’s really no way i’ll pull off turning it into a coherent narrative. good luck following along at home!
i believe NurseSexy and i were headed for the women’s room, and noticed through the slow-swinging men’s room door that a large crowd of men was having an animated conversation. even pickled like cheap kimchee, we recognized this as wildly atypical men’s room behavior. in a typical men’s room, eye contact and conversation are avoided, lest they lead to accidental dick-gazing, which can only be resolved with an ass-beating. even in the men’s room at a gay bar at 3 AM after the meth-and-ecstasy-fueled foam party, the activity may well be animated as all git out, but there still isn’t much in the way of conversation.
so NurseSexy and i did what anyone would have done – we went into the bathroom to see what was up. i’m pretty sure the rest of our party was in the men’s room for at least part of the event. it must have been a pretty big bathroom. actually, now that i think of it, we were all just packed in really, really tightly.
the “event,” such as it was, centered around a squatty, dark-haired dude who said his name was rico. he had the heavy latin accent, greased-back black hair, and smarmy white suit you might you might expect from someone named rico holding court in a men’s bathroom at a bar. however, he also said quite clearly that he was from afghanistan, which, last i checked, we had not bombed halfway around the world to south america yet. i have no idea what was up with this glaring discrepancey, so here are my favorite theories; choose the one that feels right and we’ll move on from there:
1) rico was so shitfaced that he mispronounced argentina. really badly.
2) rico was so shitfaced that he got afghanistan confused with argentina.
3) rico, who is actually a third-generation united states citizen with a fake accent for picking up the ladies, was so shitfaced and stupid that he didn’t know that afghanistan is not in south america.
4) rico was so shitfaced that he really, really butchered a fake afghani accent. which would make sense, since he would also have to be pretty shitfaced to think a fake afghani accent would help him pick up chicks.
so, rico from afghanistan was leaning heavily on a very dazed, brutish-looking dude who was at least 6’2 and 280 lbs. given that there was about a foot difference in their heights, this was accomplished through a combination of rico hanging from the dude’s neck and the dude leaning way, way over, both swaying in unison, threatening to knock down the entire crowd like a drunken domino rally. rico was telling a long, drawn out story about how he loves america, and where he comes from, they don’t have blonde women. he had never seen a blonde woman before, and he loves america. and this is why he was pawing the nice blonde woman – who i think made a brief appearance in the men’s room, as well – on the dance floor and trying to kiss her. and he REALLY loves america. and then the woman’s boyfriend threatened to beat the shit out of rico, and rico had to explain to the boyfriend that he was from afghanistan, he had never seen a blonde woman before, and he loves america. as he told the story of telling the story, it became apparent that the story might never end. it also gradually became apparent that the dude rico was using as a rubbery monkeybars was, in fact, the boyfriend who wanted to beat the shit out of him. luckily, rico’s Blather of Stunning +3 (+5 vs. caucasians!) seemed to be saving his ass from said beating. all he had to do to keep his ass in its pristine, unbeaten state… was to keep talking.
which he did. i have no idea what he talked about, i just remember that it was funny. and that he filmed it all. with his camera phone. while periodically yelling “FOCK THE INNERNETS!” and PositiveRoleModel and LiquidCourage gave him mardi gras beads from our party, which earned them posed photos with rico and his stunned caucasian friend.
then the bouncer came in and politely asked me and NurseSexy to leave. he was such a nice guy that we eventually did so with minimal backsass, but there was some hesitation due to the bouncer being about my height. so we went back to our tables, and were eventually joined by our menfolk. who swear up and down that there was no sex in rico’s impromptu champagne room. yep. if they’re lying, i’m sure we’ll see it on youtube any day now.
