so our last stop of the night was the unsexily named spearmint rhino. and due to the lateness of the hour, and the fact that no photos exist to jog my memory, this will be the least coherent story of them all.
there are no photos because it is a strip club, and you’re just not allowed to have cameras at a boobie party. this should be obvious, but i damn near pulled out my camera at one point, because i am ditzy like that. BlackLikeMe figured that would be the point at which we would find out if getting an ass-kicking from a dude in a suit with a clipboard was more awesome than the regular kind of ass-kicking. this is one high-class titty bar, people.
a certain member of the party paid money to lick a stripper. a certain other member of the party got licked by two strippers at once, for free. i leave it to you to guess the genders and identities (and parts of the anatomy in question) of each of said members of the party.
i almost didn’t see our other near-miss high-class ass-kicking, but LiquidCourage pointed it out to me as it was in progress. PositiveRoleModel was walking to the bar, minding his own damn bidness. he walked past a seated man who was dressed to the nines and had two strippers in his lap making out with each other. as he walked past, one of the strippers came up for air, took aim, and delivered a righteous hard smack on PRM’s unguarded ass.
possible reasons for this very odd turn of events include:
1) the stripper decided that the best way to go home with her g-string full of cash was to get two dudes in a bidding war over her attention.
2) PRM has the most irresistibly sexy man-ass on the planet.
3) the stripper recognized him as part of the same party as LC and IAHAD, and figured PRM would give up the dolla dolla bills, too (making her not so good at her job, if she couldn’t smell the cheap wafting off that man.)
3) the stripper was fucked up on several illegal drugs and just didn’t give a fuck about the rules of ettiquette.
this was the point at which LC figured there would be a WWF tag-team battle royale between “the dudes in our party” and “the bouncers,” and another between “the girls in our party” and “the strippers.” i’m almost sorry it didn’t come to that, because i have yet to have an actual fistfight – not just in my adult life, but in my ENTIRE life – and i’m interested in how spectacular my performance would be. spectacular failure, spectacular upset… either way, i’m sure it’d be spectacular. also? i’d finally know what the sound of a popping silicone balloon is.
and now, the holes in my memory, courtesy of LC:
LiquidCourage: what you failed to mention was the fact that:
LiquidCourage: A.) PRM was blasted. BLASTED
LiquidCourage: b.) PRM had just done some unruly shit to a stripper, completely unannounced, just 10 minutes prior…
LiquidCourage: Now I remember!
LiquidCourage: there were two dancers talking to each other in front of us
LiquidCourage: PRM sauntered up behind the stripper, and yes, it was a full on saunter, where she never saw him coming, took out two Mr. Washingtons and proceeded to slip them under her g string. and by under her gstring, i mean damn near in her asscrack. and by damn near in her asscrack, i mean, IN her asscrack.
LiquidCourage: she was, to put it mildly, surprised.
LiquidCourage: at that point i had my concerns about us leaving with all members’ faces intact.
welfareloser: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAH… i do remember him doing that shit! i just didn’t connect it with the ass-smack.
LiquidCourage: i figured the flood gates to the ass kicking apocalypse had opened
LiquidCourage: because now the strippers were touching HIM!
as it was, i did not get the opportunity to beat the snot out of any strippers (note to PRM: it’d be a great gift for MY next birthday.) PRM was at the point where the ass-smack barely registered. he knew it had happened, but had no idea what he should do about it. eventually, he decided that, if he was unable to decide what to do, he probably needed to do exactly nothing, and sauntered on his way. it was probably the perfect time to make the one and only boring decision of the night. as bad an idea as it may be to taunt the pond-raised, cornfed strippers in iowa, it was probably a worse idea here. i got the feeling that at least a certain percentage of the employees of the spearmint rhino were armed. between acting like an asshole at the spearmint rhino and acting like an asshole at woody’s, i’ll take AccidentProne screaming “she’s crowning; catch, dr loser!” every time the pregnant stripper at woody’s humps the pole any day.
