okay, remember the snuglets i made for the boys? of course you do; i haven’t posted shit else since i finished them. look down. there are pictures.
k. so PositiveRoleModel and i have been wearing the stupid things too. we make fun of ourselves, because we KNOW they are lame. and stupid. and fugly. and no more functional than a bathrobe, sweatshirt, or blanket, all of which we already own in abundance. this is, in fact, a large part of WHY we wear them – because it’s fucking funny. also, damn are they soft. the fabric they’re made of is called “minky” (or minkie, or minkee, or mink plush, depending on which clone product you happen to have.) seriously, wrapping yourself up in 2-1/2 yards of that shit is as good as putting a chicken’s head under its wing. nap sledgehammer, yo.
so PRM and i are going to stop stealing the children’s snuggies/slankets/snuglets, because we are making our own. sticking with the principle of embracing something precisely because it is so incorrigibly awful (witness our respective loves of kimchee and pork rinds if you need further examples of why “shitty” = “funny, and hence awesome”) we are taking the awfulness that is a sleeved blanket to the next level.
the slanket plan we developed last night is kind of awesome (as is any plan we develop laughing our asses off in bed after midnight… which, come to think of it, probably describes most plans that we come up with.) so check it. post-modern is art that is aware that it is art. and in our family, all art is heavy on the irony, so “postmodern art” in the loser household is best defined as “some poetically fucked-up shit that knows damn well it’s reeeeeeal fucked up. and likes it. because it’s fucking funny, that’s why. suck it!”
TexasRoadKill and MyEvilTwin have commented that their slankets make them feel “wizardy,” what with the velvety shininess and the robe-like shape. so the versions i will make for us, which we will wear backwards (mostly because PRM will usually wear his while laying on his stomach playing video games), are going to have hoods. because why not? at this point, it’s basically going to be a badly-sewn, horrendously shapeless hooded robe that’s a couple of feet too long. comedy gold!
but we’re not stopping there. i found a minky double-sided plush in a nice wizardy royal-blue color.
PRM wants his to have, and i quote, “moons and stars and shit on them.” why? because he’s gandalf, bitches. and there is an actual minky plush with an embossed moons and stars pattern on it:
but the pattern is the same color as the background, making it FAR too subtle for our purposes. instead, i’m going to sew/iron on dozens of embroidered patches of stars, moons and suns in gold and silver:
now, i was going to do roughly the same thing for myself, especially since i found a place to buy that particular color of minky pretty cheaply, but then i stumbled across a better idea. they make animal-print minky plushes. giraffe, cheetah, pony, zebra, tiger, etc. there’s even a triple-plush chinchilla print, which is pimptastic, but also $30 a yard, so nevermind on that one. i was considering going with the black-spotted cow print, just for maximum what-the-fuck-ness, but then i found that the fine makers of minky have come out with a brand new animal print for this season:
snow leopard! when i was twelve years old, my favorite animal was a snow leopard. and any fashion decision based on a period in your life when purple is your favorite color and you wear glitter in your hair is a sound one indeed. so snow leopard it is!
i’ve never made a hood from scratch before, but i can probably pull it off. of course, PRM has already specified that it needs to be a big ol’ jedi-style hood (probably so he can cackle menacingly from its shadowy depths.) i’ll probably do the same thing with mine, if for no other reason than to only have to learn to make one kind of hood.
to give you an idea of how committed i am to the principle of fugly-as-funny-and-thus-fucking-awesome, i’ll say now that i’ve never worn an animal print anything in my life. ever. not even in the 80s. not so much as a pair of panties. i don’t care if it’s on a $350 pair of designer shoes; animal print has always looked to me like something that is only at home on a 400 lb edentulous prostitute. in fact, i just had a conversation about how trashy animal prints are at the Annual Residents’ Drunkfest on saturday night (more on that epic party in a future post… LOTS more.) i was talking to SpaceDust, a dermatologist in MyEvilTwin’s residency class who also has a son in kindergarten, about how badly freaked out we are by animal-print clothing on little girls in grade school. maybe just because it’s often paired with butt-cracky pants, or miniskirts and platform knee-boots… but still. come on. when i take the “are you sluttier-looking than a fifth-grader” challenge and lose, consistently and decisively, something is very, very wrong. (and since SpaceDust’s 2-year-old is a girl, she’s ultimately a lot more disturbed by it than i am.)
point being, animal prints are trashy. still not with me on this one? okay, lemme show you the TOP GOOGLE RESULT i got when i plugged in “buy snow leopard minky:”
the Pimpdaddy® Big Baller™ Pimp Suit in Lavender Minky Velvet w/Snow Leopard Fur. it is $465. and it is sold out. because apparently, i’m not the only one with ironic postmodern fashion sensibilities!
anyway, for some reason, fabric sellers have some of the best customer service on the planet, so both fabrics should be here by wednesday, meaning i can have these buggers finished by valentines day. all together now, “AWWWWWWWWWW!”
