Ice Cream of Justice

after lots of traveling, we’re back home for the last month of summer before school starts. it’s hot as hell, and MonkeyBeef is newly potty trained (like a boss!), so we’re not getting out much. which suits the twits just fine; SpazMonkey and DramaQueen have a long list of “projects” they want to complete before they go back to school. like making their own paper. and building halo terrain out of cardboard. and making sushi-shaped erasers.

one of their projects resulted in me being awakened by a scream of “OHMYGAWD WE MADE CARBON MONOXIDE, RUN, MOM, RUN!” as i stumbled down the stairs, EvilGremlin was patiently erasing and re-balancing the stochiometry equation on the kitchen table to show SpazMonkey that they had, in fact, STILL made carbon dioxide and diatomic oxygen, not carbon monoxide and ozone, despite the battery which they had wired into the beaker, apparently because they had convinced themselves that the electicity would force the creation of ozone.

one of their biggest projects was to create a floor-sized boardgame. it involves 12″-square foam puzzle floor tiles, pokemon figurines, dice, toy food, homemade cards, a nerf basketball hoop, and not being able to walk in their fucking bedroom. for a change.

here are two of the tile-markers attached to the foam tiles:


i probably don’t even need to tell you that i didn’t bother to ask what the rules are.

Science Series of Secret Stuff

some of the treasures from SpazMonkey’s pile of 1st grade artwork:







there are at least 40 other pages i could have included. but you get the idea.

i will do science to it!

so, i’ve been digging out old textbooks for EvilGremlin to read in the hopes of minimizing the pre-dawn scientific q-and-a wake-up calls. amid the heaps of chemistry, geometry, biology, biochemistry, organic chemistry, and calculus, i found my dad’s old college chemistry textbook. from, like, the late 1950s. oh my god is it awesome. in addition to the pictures of crew-cut aryan boys with their erlenmeyer flasks, and white men with elbow patches and pipes thinking deep thoughts in their laboratories, there are diagrams of gas masks, atomic bombs, and various munitions used to kill japs. bitchin technology!

so, after saving some of the pages with the no-longer-PC stuff for future art projects, we sat down and plastered the 3 older boys’ new pencil boxes with pictures, tables, formulas, and text from Opa’s chemistry textbook. i know craft-loving women have probably known all about this for quite some time, but i had just recently discovered, via some crafts-and-bullshit magazine in some doctor’s waiting room, that the secret to covering some shit in some other shit is a product called “mod podge,” which is kind of like elmer’s school glue, except that you dump several layers both between and over the top of the mess you want stuck (this is known as “metric fuckload.”) it dries clear. the edges of all the little paper bits don’t curl up on you. after it’s fully dried, you cover it with a clear acrylic varnish. this technique, i also learned, is called “decoupage,” because giving it a french name makes housewives everywhere feel like artists instead of bored fat bitches gluing some hot mess together.

so. i helped my children decoupage their pencil boxes. if you needed any further proof that i am a housewife/stay-at-home-mom… well, you’re quite the skeptic, mofo.

so! here’s EvilGremlin’s box:

DramaQueeen’s box:

and SpazMonkey’s box:

besides looking cool, being educational, and helping them to differentiate their boxes from the 20-30 other identical boxes in their classrooms, i’m hoping they will serve as a warning to their teachers. so, for example, if one of the twits asks their teacher, “can i do some science to this?” his answer will be a knee-jerk “no.”

goin up cripple creek, goin in a whirl, goin up cripple creek to see…

…some science.

okay. so, if you don’t count the occasional 4-hour road trip to our hometown to see our parents, PRM and i have never taken all the kids with us on an honest-to-god family vacation. so, we may be in a golden window here… our youngest is now old enough to get something out of a family vacation, and our oldest is still young enough to not be horrified at the prospect of taking a vacation with his embarrassing parents (though he might have that nailed down after actually doing it once. i’m just sayin. he’s not stupid.)

one of our favorite vacation spots for the last several years has been Colorado. it has everything PRM and i love. it’s got fishing, it’s got hiking, denver is only an 11-hour drive from iowa city, it’s got snowboarding, it’s got the national fencing headquarters (okay, so that one’s more for me than PRM,) and perhaps most importantly, it’s now home to several of our friends who are willing to let us crash in their homes.

now, taking the kids along does change the itinerary a bit. first and foremost, we will be staying in hotels rather than attempting to inflict our children on anyone we know. also, there isn’t going to be any snowboarding, partly because we’re not going until july, partly because of the expense of equipment rentals for 6 and lessons for 4, and partly because at least 3 of the kids are huge pussies (and the one who isn’t has no goddamned business on a snowboard while he’s still in diapers.) PRM and i went snowboarding this past weekend, and took care of of our need to throw ourselves down mountains without dragging along any of the “OH MY GOD THERE’S SNOW IN MY EYE!” brothers. there will be “fishing,” if you can loosen the definition of the word to include episodes of casting into water that contains fish, with no real hope of actually catching any due to the noise and splashing. there will be “hiking,” so long as that can be considered to describe an episode of driving the van to a parking lot that directly abuts a wildlife area that can be satisfyingly explored in under 1 mile of actual walking.

also, there will be some additions to the itinerary, specially tailored to meet the vacation needs of our geeky offspring:

The Lincoln Children’s Museum
they have a lunar lander, and human-scale prairie dog tunnels. also, it’s a good place to stop to divide the driving into two days. so on the way back, we can hit:

The Lincoln Children’s Zoo
pony rides. butterflies. lots of monkeys. game, set, match.

the Body Worlds exhibit
score! PRM and i both REALLY wanted to see this exhibit, but haven’t managed to make it to any of the cities where it’s been set up yet. it happens to be scheduled to be at the denver museum of natural history until july, so we’re there! luckily, the kids are totally stoked about it too… because we’d be dragging them even if they weren’t.

then, we’ll head south to the:

Florrisant Fossil Beds National Monument
we have a pretty neat devonian fossil gorge here, and the kids love it. so i figure if they’re impressed by a bunch of coral and fragments of primitive plants and the occasional brachiopod here in iowa, they are going to be blown away by the 1700 species of plants and animals at this site… which is on the way to what, as far as the boys are concerned, is our main reason for going to colorado at all:

The Cripple Creek Gold Mines
(see? the title of this post isn’t just some random bluegrass lyrics… i was going somewhere with that, bitches!)

two different gold mines. gold, silver, and some iron pyrite. my periodic-table-obsessed offspring couldn’t get to sleep the first night after i told them about this place. ride a train. take an elevator 1000 feet down. wear a hardhat while riding on a rickety mine train on the tour of the mine. pan for gold. did i mention they were excited? SpazMonkey had a solo sick day a couple days after this vacation was announced, and after the thermometer confirmed he wouldn’t be going to school that morning, he jumped up and yelled, “GOOD! BECAUSE I NEED TO START PACKING FOR COLORADO!” he then proceeded to make a 2-page list, only some of which was readily available in the house for him to pack (we still need to buy him a pickaxe and dynamite, apparently.)

things this vacation will not include:

1) CAMPING: it almost sounds like fun… until you think about it. and if we actually woke up with all 4 children still present and accounted for in the tent in the morning, i would eat a wet dog turd.

2) THE TELLURIDE BLUEGRASS FESTIVAL: damn, that’s a tough one to pass up. a few hours west, and it takes place about the time we’re planning on being there. my hero, chris thile and EG’s hero, edgar meyer will be there. you know who else will be there? stinky hippies. piles of them. so you know who won’t be getting within smelling distance of that hot mess? my kids. they might learn a little about music there, but there’s a whole lot of other shit they’d learn, too. i’d sooner take EG to see his other hero, flea, at a red hot chili peppers concert. seriously. i’ve thought about this.

yep. throw in a day of fishing, a day of hiking, some nights of hanging out with friends here and there, some long hours of gameboys and blue’s clues dvds in the car, and a couple dozen stops at mcdonalds and burger king, and probably at least a couple episodes of spectacular puking, and that’s our big-ass summer vacation!

so. you could reasonably expect this blog to not get updated at all in july, as it may take me a month or so to recover from all the awesomeness.

yeah, it’s cool… but it probably won’t get you laid

so i’ve mentioned that the kids are really, really into science, right? right. one of their favorite games to play right now is to quiz each other on the periodic table. turns out, they can all name every element, its atomic number, whether or not it’s radioactive, which series and period it’s in, its electron shell configuration, its most common valence states, and, in the case of metals and whatnot, its crystal structure (and if you can’t visualize “trigonal bipyramidal,” they’d be happy to draw a picture for you. no shit.)

and that’s just the base knowledge that all 3 of the older boys have down cold. any one of them may also be able to tell you a melting point, a color or hardness, or the latin root (score one for me… those little shits are getting some stealth linguistics whether they like it or not!) and any number of other oddball properties.

even MonkeyBeef gets in on the act. it’s pretty damned funny when mr. special ed drags a kitchen chair over to the periodic table poster in the kitchen and starts jabbing his finger at random squares on it, saying, “WHA DIS? WHASS NUMMER ONE? ISS HI-JO-JEN!” he also loves the new 8-bajillion-piece molymod molecular model kit… he knows the red is oxygen, the white is hydrogen, the yellow is sulfur, and the black is carbon. “a white one hi-jo-jen, tiny bond, a wed one OCK-DOH-JEN, tiny bond, a white one HI-JO-JEN… WADDER! YAY! SIX BWACK ONES – BESSZENE WING! YAY, BESSZENE WING!” he’ll build a random molecule and ask his brothers to tell him the name of it.

it probably goes without saying that they are not impressed with the large holes in my knowledge of chemistry. i enjoyed chemistry. i was good at it. i took honors chemistry. i may have even gotten A’s. but it’s now been 15 years since i was a freshman in college, and i’ll be damned if i can remember much about sp3 hybrid orbitals. EvilGremlin is learning how to to use that thing called the “index” at the back of the chemistry textbooks i’ve gotten for him.

so. here’s my big-ass list of product recommendations.

MolyMod makes the best molecular model kits available – you can do space-filling or ball-and-stick models, its sturdy, the models don’t fall apart when handled (or when used to thwack a brother on the head.)

www.webelements.com is the place to surf. also, the place to buy really awesome posters. and periodic table socks.


“World of Chemistry”
basically, anything written by stephen zumdahl is good, but i like this one because it’s for low-level high school chemistry. being written for unmotivated 16-year-olds makes it perfect for a highly motivated 10-year-old.

i just picked up a cheap used copy of “An Introduction to Molecular Orbitals” for EG – there are a ton of orbital theory books out there, most probably over his head; the big selling points for this one were that it was recommended for beginning-to-intermediate chemistry students, and that the reviews all raved about the quality of the illustrations.

“The Elements: A Visual Exploration” has been a great book for the twits, who are less interested in theory and more interested in what the heck technetium and beryllium actually LOOK like.

“The Cartoon Guide to Chemistry” – basically aimed at high-schoolers, and very well-written. EG has devoured this book, and even at age 6, the twits can follow it pretty well.

“It’s Elementary” – for younger kids. the twits love it, and even EG thought it was pretty good. lots of cool pictures and real-world examples of where you might find each element.

Basher’s “Periodic Table” – ahhhh, the book that started it all. we now own 4 copies, no fighting. 4 really dog-eared copies.

Basher’s “Chemistry” – they are counting down the days until this book is released. i should probably change my pre-order from 1 to 4 copies. i should probably also not mention that we will be out of town when it ships, or they’ll want to rearrange our entire summer vacation road trip to colorado.

but really, i owe the biggest debt of thanks to the Mad Science after-school program. all 3 of the older boys have now completed both the astronomy class and the chemistry class. if your child’s school ever offers it, DO IT. for $64 per child, they got a 2-hour session once a week for four weeks, taught by someone with a PhD in the relevant science. each session had at least one “make and take,” like a little toy rocket or “atomic coins,” which were pure genius in their simplicity… punch-out circles of the appropriate sizes for hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen, carbon, sodium, calcium, and sulfur, each with appropriately-spaced little slits cut around the edges to represent bonds it could form. you slide the single slot of each of two hydrogens into the two slots of an oxygen, and you’ve got a nice, bent H2O molecule.

the boys played with theirs til they shredded and died, so we made more. a little adobe illustrator (okay… a LOT of figuring out, and then teaching the kids, how to use adobe illustrator,) a little info on valence states and atomic radii from webelements.com, and voila! several snow days were filled with drawing these and printing them on cardstock. there’s nothing else like it on the web (believe me… i looked hard before resorting to teaching myself how to use freaking adobe illustrator!) the project is only about 90% complete, but i thought i’d post them here in case any other parents of nerdy children need their very own set of printable atomic coins for making molecular models on snow days. you get both the .pdf version for printing out, and the .ai version for making your own changes to the original file if you like.

THE PDFs:
atomic coins 1 atomic coins 2 atomic coins 3 atomic coins 4 atomic coins 5
atomic coins 6 atomic coins 7 atomic coins 2 atomic coins 9 atomic coins 10

THE AIs: 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10

Economics Lesson of the Day: You No Can Has

EvilGremlin asked for an electron microscope. i told him that the last one i had used had cost about $100,000. He waited for the punchline. i told him that we could not afford an electron microscope. he disappeared, and after a bit of googling, he showed me a refurbished electron microscope he had found for “only” $10,000. i explained that was what his dad’s car had cost, and he lit up and suggested we sell dad’s car. ah, optimism.

ever since opening a savings account for him with his summer earnings, and explaining to him the magic that is compound interest, i think he’s been as exuberant about the possibilities of wealth as a bunch of bankers circa 2007. so today, i added to his economic repertoire the concept of “depreciation.” apparently, i killed some of his innocence and youthful optimism with that one, because he looked like i had just told him that santa claus stabbed the easter bunny after burning down disneyland.

i don’t think he’s done plotting to get an electron microscope, though. he was looking through the job ads in the newspaper later that afternoon.

Chemistry Lesson of the Day: the awesomeness that is setting hair on fire

what?

dammit! no! next time i’ll remember NO is the only right answer!

…when the question is “mom, can we do some chemistry?”

let me give you a quick tour of my kitchen. the entrance:

the floor:

to fully appreciate what you’re looking at, here’s the full-size picture.

that particular mess was the result of the “let’s extract iron from cereal flakes” experiment, preceded by yet another iteration of the “what kind of crazy shit can we add to the baking-soda-and-vinegar volcano to really fuck it up?” experiment. the answers to that question, by the way, include cornstarch (big, persistent bubbles), detergent (about the same, but black-light active), and gelatin (holy shit.)

of course, we brought this on ourselves.

now, not all science is messy. like dry ice! cheap thrills, no mess:

sometimes baking is messy. when baking with kids who consider it a science experiment, baking is HELLA messy. however, if you direct the action appropriately, and confine the action to an easy-bake oven, the consolation prize is some good-ass noms:

also? you CAN set shit on fire with an easy-bake oven. that’s solid fact.

hobbies

the current hobbies in this house include:

learning japanese:

after printing out the hiragana and katakana characters and working with all the information they could google for several weeks, i got them some books, too. there are three i’m particularly impressed with:

the “jimi” books, wherein a disturbingly flat-affected manga-monkey teaches you hiragana and katakana, and crazy for kanji, which does a good job of teasing out the poetic etymologies of the much more difficult kanji writing, making it easy to understand and remember hundreds of kanji characters, in a quiz-laden format my ten-year-old finds entertaining.

facebook time-wasters:

if it makes you ashamed of your own lame addiction to learn that my 10-year-old enjoys farkle, my 6-year-olds think feeding and selling fish and pimping their fishtanks is awesome, and they all enjoy mobsters 2… here you go. consider yourself shamed.

tying balloon animals:

EG found a book of 20 balloon-tying patterns, and was pretty interested in scary-clown origami. have i mentioned how much i love my amazon prime membership? i have no idea how their business model works; all i know is that free two-day shipping on everything i need at the lowest prices on the planet is freaking awesome. after 10 minutes of reading reviews, got the “best balloons that all the professionals use,” qualatex, for $7.50 for a bag of 100, plus an incredibly well-designed balloon pump (the thing inflates both when you push the pump in and when you pull out, which is pretty nifty) for another $7.50. and now we have a giant black octopus on the twits’ light fixture, an army of green and purple poodles, and lopsided mice with googly eyes named “P32,” “carbon-14,” and “francium.” and if you noticed that their names have a radioactive theme, then you must also be interested in the next hobby on the list,

chemistry:

“chemistry” sometimes means “mixing all chemicals in the kitchen that seem likely to explode (and if you think there’s no fun to be found there, you’ve probably never added gelatin to a baking-soda-and-vinegar volcano.) sometimes it means “culturing bacteria.” sometimes it means “helping mom cook, especially if it involves yeast.” and sometimes, it just comes down to “attaching yourself permanently to mommy after the 15th baking-soda-and-vinegar erlenmeyer flask tried to eat you.”

on a final note, if you were ever unsure of whether or not my kids were nerds, let me share this: the other night, as i chased a naked MonkeyBeef down to slather him with lotion and throw pajamas on him, the twits sat down at the laptop. as i threw MB in bed, i heard them cackling nonstop. i figured they had either bought some more godawful blinged-out lawn ornaments for PositiveRoleModel’s fishville tank, done a youtube search for footage of newscasters throwing up on live tv, or found the latest japanese porn fad. in fact, they were laughing at, i shit you not, a page entitled “FACTS ABOUT STRONTIUM.” and it wasn’t even the fact that strontium is used in fireworks that tickled them… apparently, strontium’s melting point is in the “hilarious” range.

field trip to the natural history museum

i don’t have to defend the educational value of this one, so just peep the pics, bitches.

awesome! we’re in the parking garage! and i stole daddy’s favorite hat! wooooooo!

right off the elevator was a display case of 1980s indiana jones toys. awesome!

“dude, look at the grasses!”
“dude, look at the birds!”
“dude, how’d that grass grow with no sun in here?”
“dude… i’m SO outta here!”

“uuuuh… i don’t care if sloths are slow. if it’s gonna be that big, it’s still scary.”

“duuuuuuuuuuuuuude.”

“dude! how long until i get to go to college? this classroom is SWEET.”

so, even though i’m pretty much cobbling together interesting outings in random order, this one wound up being a nice tie-in with the devonian fossil gorge. there were a bunch of fossil displays, and then a bunch of big-ass cladogram displays, and “this is the shit that happened in each era” geologic time displays. it’s really similar to the natural history museum at the university of illinois (right down to it occupying the hallways of the old-ass campus building that now houses the anthropology department), except this one seems better-funded. i mean, 9-foot sloths aside, those vintage indy toys are worth some cash.

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